The issue between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is not of recent origin. It is perhaps as old as the history of the human race. Even in this changed world, this issue lingers as a ‘live undercurrent’, though in a lesser intensity. The advent of nuclear families has played a vital role in bringing down its intensity.
Nonetheless, even today, the relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is not so warm. Those mothers-in-law who are unable to consider their daughters-in-law as their own daughter and those daughters-in-law who are not ready to accept their mothers-in-law as their own mother are equally responsible for this issue. The truth is that in today’s world, daughters-in-law are more aggressive. But, as per traditional belief, mothers-in-law are thought to be more culpable. So, we will approach this issue focusing it on mothers-in-law.
Inappropriate interference
Most mothers-in-law inappropriately interfere in the matters of their sons and daughters-in-law. They advise and control their sons as if they are still little children. Most daughters-in-law will not be able to welcome the uninvited enemy who peeps into their privacy. This will create problem in relationships.
Hurting words
There are many mothers-in-law whose tongues are so lethal and bitter. Their ill-willed words hurt the minds of daughters-in-law. This will induce them to hate mothers-in-law.
Comparison
A common tendency seen among mothers-in-law is to compare their daughters-in-law with those in the neighbourhood. While they praise other daughters-in-law for their talents and capabilities, these mothers-in-law overlook the capabilities of their own daughters-in-law! No daughter-in-law will accept pleasantly the comparison on the matters of dowry, job and family legacy.
Selfishness
Most mothers-in-law entertain the selfish desire that their sons should be their own. When they begin to feel that their sons’ love for them is diminishing, they will start hating their daughters-in-law as their enemy. They are reluctant to give the authority to their daughters-in-law over many household things. When a mother-in-law begins to think that she should be the sole authority over the house and household, problems arise.
Differences in culture and customs
Each family has a unique culture. When a daughter-in-law comes to her husband’s house, she is actually carrying with her the things she has learned from her family. They could be good or bad. But, when a mother-in-law insists that her daughter-in-law should at once yield to her style, that relationship loses its transparency.
Let us see how to deal with these issues. Strengthen your belief that your daughter-in-law is your own daughter just as your son is your own. Treat her just as you would like your daughter to be treated in her husband’s house. Arrange the home atmosphere accordingly. Do not interfere in all the matters of your son and daughter-in-law unnecessarily. Discard your wrong notion that your son and daughter-in-law must live according to your advices. They are two individuals. Perhaps they are more informed than you. Do not try to control them in all matters. If you feel that they are doing some folly, you have the right to express your opinion. But, you need not say your opinion on anything and everything. It is good to make a decision that you will express your opinion only when asked. What benefit do you have if your neighbour’s daughter-in-law is beautiful and educated? What you have is your daughter-in-law. Find out the good in her. Encourage her. Do not spoil the peace of your home by unwanted comparisons. Sit awhile and think what was in your mind when you came to your husband’s house as a daughter-in-law and what kind of a mother-in-law you expected to have. Try to be like your ideal mother-in-law. Understand that your daughter-in-law is coming from a different family and a different background, and give her time to adapt with the new situation. Try to imbibe the good in your daughter-in-law’s family tradition and hand over to her the good in your tradition. Believe that not only you are right, but she is right as well.
One of the major reasons for the wreckage of many families is the aversion towards mothers-in-law. Even some educated daughters-in-law dare to scold their husbands because they imagine that their husbands love their mothers-in-law more than themselves. Some wives hate their husband if he justifies his mother or cares for his mother. So, have a candid talk between husband and wife before the problem gets worse. If a daughter-in-law feels hatred towards her mother-in-law, let her open up to her husband. Opening up does not mean to find fault with the mother-in-law, but to speak without prejudices. Speak with respect. After all, a son must have a better understanding of his mother than his wife. So, accept the perspectives and opinions of the husband with an open mind. Try to view the problem from the mother-in-law’s perspective. Conjectures rooted in facts are more reliable than whimsical conjectures. The daughter-in-law must be ready to accept her mother-in-law with tolerance. After all, she belongs to a different generation. She is led
by the characteristics and notions of those times. When you begin to understand that, you will be able to accept her as she is.
Understand that it will take time to eliminate the clouds of misunderstandings. Change does not happen overnight. It has its own time and order. Wait for it. Accept that your mother-in-law is also a human being with her limitations just as you are. All problems will end once you start to think that she is like your mother. Perhaps, most daughters-in-law consider their mothers-in-law as aliens. They look at the shortcomings of their mothers-in-law through a magnifying lens.
Correction should not be limited to one side alone. Both sides should be ready to correct themselves. It is the son who is actually suffocated between these two!
