Rahul, a first standard student in that school, used to take a lot of time in finishing his lunch. The teacher noticed it only when he repeated it several times. “Why do you take so much time in eating your lunch?” She asked Rahul. But the child had no answer.
On that night, the teacher rang up to Rahul’s mother and discussed the issue. She was surprised to know about what Rahul’s mother told her. Rahul has an elder brother, who is a seventh standard student. His father was a bank employee and his mother a teacher. Rahul is his mother’s pet. She loves and cares for Rahul more than she cares for his elder brother Vivek. Even though Rahul is now six years old, it is his mother who feeds him with her own hand. In the kindergarten too, Rahul used to take a lot of time to finish his tiffin. Often he used to leave his tiffin box unfinished. So, when he reached home, his mother used to feed him again. It was the same in the morning and at night. Even though Rahul used to say that he would eat his meals by himself along with his elder brother, she never allowed him to do that. When this became habitual, Rahul gradually found it difficult to eat food by himself. He was unable to catch up with his classmates in eating food during lunch time.
Likewise, it was his mother who did every little thing for Rahul. Reading this, you might think that “What is wrong in that? It is normal for a mother to do things for her children!” But, it is not ideal for a mother to feed a six year old student four times a day. It is not good parenting. Each student should attain capability according to his/her age. Parents should help their children to attain that capability to do things by themselves.
Giving a dollop of food into the mouth of a child once in a while and feeding a child while he/she is ill, is a different thing. Here, Rahul’s mother is inadvertently thwarting his natural growth and forcing him to depend upon her always. If it is excessively done, that child will not have a life apart from his/her mother. He will become incapable of doing things and making decisions in future. He will have to depend on other people for every little thing. Although this attachment with mother may make the child happy initially, he/she will be upset when he/she realizes that he/she has no life apart from the mother. After all, a child cannot live as a mother’s pet forever. He/she has her own life and has to play their own specific roles in life. If that child does not get love and affection as he/she desires, it will psychologically affect him/her and it will end up in a big crisis.
It is true that we should love, caress and cuddle our children. But, we also need to help them grow. We should treat them as persons, not as instruments upon whom we can impose our likes and dislikes. It is not good parenting to love our children to the extent of stunting their growth.
In each age, there are a set of things a child needs to do by himself or herself. We should make them do those little things. For example, asking him to bring a glass of water or pick up a newspaper lying on the floor.
A six year old child must learn at least to eat his tiffin by himself. He needs to be trained for that. Parents should not be over-affectionate to the extent of spoiling their children’s personality. Let your child wear his uniform by himself. Let him wash his plates. Let him arrange his note books and study materials. Let him make his bed. You should make them do their responsibility irrespective of their gender. There are some other kinds of parents. They do not like their children sharing their love with others, even if it is his/her spouse. This trait is commonly found in the parents who came from insecure family backgrounds.
They are afraid that they might experience the same rejection they experienced during their childhood from their children too. Blinded by their desire to be loved, they confine the love of their children to themselves. They decide that their children must love only themselves, and plan out things accordingly.
But, this problem is not found among those spouses who lead a good family life. For them, their children are common to both. Both of them do their part well to help their child grow. They raise their children in unison. They neither divide their children between them nor take sides.
If the husband thinks that his wife is his and if the wife thinks that her husband is hers, their children belong to both of them. Both of them have equal right and power to reprove and discipline their children. It is not true love if you forcibly keep your child for yourself and compel that child to love you alone.
This is not only the case with your children. Only if you give others the space to grow, your relationships will be perfect. So, create a favorable family atmosphere for your children to grow as independent persons.
